The following is a response to Kylen’s poem/letter to Nintəndo.
We at Nintəndo find it quite pleasing
when devoted gamers write letters.
Really, we do; I’m not teasing.
Atari calls us bananas,
but we like it a bunch,
almost as much as Mac likes
to earn a star punch.
You know that Mario was the ref in that game?
No princess in Punch-Out either.
Isn’t that a shame?
Back to your points, on side quests
we won’t dawdle.
Just know your suffering moves us
as do your death foibles.
Your many…many…many death foibles.
It’s funny you should ask
about the plumbers’ back story.
Their pipe dreams began long ago
on that glorious morning,
but that’s all I can tell you
without a DLC purchase.
To answer your question
about what substance influenced
side-scrolling action, flying turtles and goombas,
we don’t condone–wink, wink–
the consumption of fungi,
LSD, ecstasy, or marijuana.
Though there is Bud, but he’s only one guy.
Then, I suppose, there is Sue and Steve and
Amanda and Tobi from Bandai.
Now is no time to get caught up
in the who took the what
or why the walls melted
into the princess-dragon-castle plot.
That answer, I’m sure, will be found
in another spot.
As for tossing your system
out the window after your thousandth death,
I can say this:
The biggest Nintəndon’t
I’ve heard to this day:
Never, ever, ever, ever
throw your Nintəndo away.
Didn’t mother ever tell you
there are aliens on Mars
who are starving to play?
I’ll close out this letter and reveal a surprise.
Attached is a package
with Amanita muscaria spores inside.
I do have to add that
these are strictly for research
beneath a microscope.
Now, go slay that Bowser! The Princess is waiting.
Star Power for life!